Repurposed Love

For a while now I have been thinking about love in all its forms.

When you say the word love it usually conjures up images of what we would consider romantic love. You know…that meet cute people see in film. Maybe that brief interaction with another person that makes you wonder…what if? What if that was the one? Sure, that love is awesome! There are no words and way too many words to describe the overwhelming chaos of romantic love.

You know the saying, “It hurts so good?” That for me sums up a lot of my experience of romantic love. It’s almost as if I felt that any great love story had to have waves of drama to make it “real”. Real romantic love is supposed to be a rollercoaster ride, right?! The ups and downs. Your stomach dropping out all while having that feeling of butterflies in your stomach that only very few have ever caused you to feel.

The truth, at least for me, has been that when I really think back on the moments when I have felt the greatest love for another it has not been in those high spikes. I usually feel it in the dips and lulls. Those quiet moments when I look over at someone. Maybe it’s sitting watching a movie and my hand is being held. Perhaps we are in bed talking and laughing. Making up stories or sharing any of the numerous silly things that have made us laugh that day. That’s what romantic love feels like to me.

But what about all that extra love we have within us to give? The kind of love we can have for our friends. Our neighbors. Someone we haven’t even met yet. Even our enemies. Where are we supposed to put all that love? And how?

I was recently talking about this with my mom. I have had this feeling, especially lately that I have all this love to give, yet in a way it feels like no one wants it. I am surrounded by people and animals I love daily. I have a large family who I try to be generous with what I have to give, but it still doesn’t feel like enough. I mean, even my dogs give me that “Oh please Mom, not again with the kisses” look when I cuddle them.

So how do I spend this exorbitant amount of currency (love) in a more effective way? Or even at all? Most people do not take kindly to being bombarded with love. Nor do I personally trust it when it is freely given usually. Is that cynical? Maybe, but also the reality of the times we live in. Why are we so suspicious when someone, anyone, genuinely shows us kindness? I don’t claim to have any of the answers to this question. It’s just that. Posing a question.

Then I begin to think, maybe it’s the love I have been saving for when I have my own kids. I am pretty sure you need a lot of love and many other ingredients on hand for that task. Then again, what if you never have had the opportunity to have kids? Never been married. Never had a child. Does that make the love you have to give any less pressing and urgent to share? Any less heartbreaking when you are at a loss as to where to focus on placing that love?

As anyone who has read my small blog knows, I have more questions than answers. I always have. I overthink and I try to analyze and at times I drive myself crazy. (And anyone in my vicinity too) Yet, at the end of the day the answer still illudes me. I have all this love to give and sometimes it feels unwanted or discarded.

How do we repurpose that love into something or someone else? If you know me well, then I am sure you know you are loved. At least you should know because I tell you and more importantly show you. I hope that my friends and family know it whether it is an old or a new addition to my family or friend circle. I hope you know that I love you.

Then there is self-love. That for me was always the trickier love to give and accept. It still is sometimes. I’ve always loved this sentiment by Buddha that says.

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

So why is it so damn hard to love ourselves sometimes? Perhaps that is where some of that love should be repurposed. We read romance novels and stories about how loving someone else feels. How we should feel when we love someone. Yet, when is the last time we read a book about loving ourselves? Making sure that we know who we are, what we are and how much love and time we should be investing in self-love.

I’m not saying that I have not read some awesome books or even just quick statements preaching self-love. I am saying, somehow it feels lacking. Or perhaps I just haven’t spent enough time exploring that idea.

So much of my life I believed that focusing on myself too much would make me unworthy. Unacceptable. Selfish. But it’s really not that selfish, is it? Where did we get this archaic idea that by spending all our time being good, doing good and focusing outside of ourselves we were better off? Better people. That if we weren’t always actively taking care of everyone else’s needs, that we are somehow “less than”? Hmmm…something I will need to think about a bit more.

And as for you, I love you. Plain. Simple. It’s yours. Do with it what you wish. But it’s yours. No backsies. 😊